In January, Australia caught on fire.
No clue if that fire was put out, because we straight up almost went to war with Iran.
We might actually still be almost at war with them. No clue, ‘cos Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt spoke to one another at an awards show and everyone flipped the f#k out.
But then there was thing goin’ down in China . . .
Then Prince Harry and Megan got TF out of the Royal family.
Then there was the whole impeachment trial . . .
Then COVID showed up in the U S “officially.”
But then Kobe died.
And the UK got TF out of the European Union.
In February, Iowa crapped itself with the caucus results and the president was acquitted and the Speaker of the House took ten years to rip up a speech, but then WHO decided to give this virus a name COVID-19, which confused some really important people in charge of, like, our lives, into thinking there were 18 other versions before it, but then Harvey Weinstein was found guilty, and Americans started asking if Corona beer was safe to drink, and everyone on Facebook became a doctor who just knew the flu like killed way more people than COVID 1 through 18.
Then, in March, s#it really hit the fan.
Warren dropped out of the presidential race and Sanders was like Bernie or bust, but then Italy shut its whole behind down, and then COVID Not 1 through 18 officially become what everyone already realized — a PANDEMIC — and then a nationwide state of emergency was declared in the good ol’ U.S. of A.
But, of course, that didn’t really change anything, so everyone was confused or thought it was still just a flu.
But then COVID-not 18 was like ya’ll not taking me seriously? I’m gonna infect the one celebrity everyone loves and totally infected Tom Hanks.
But, not sure if he pulled through, to be honest, ‘cos the DOW took a 1,400 point crap on itself, but to be honest, most of us still don’t understand why the stock market is so important or even a thing,
but it didn’t really matter, anyway, ‘cos we were all introduced to Tiger King.
And, then Netflix was like you’re welcome.
But, then we all realized there was no way we were washing our hands enough in the first place because all of our hands are now dry and gross.
In April, Bernie finally busted himself out of the presidential race, but then NYC became the set of The Walking Dead and we learned that no one has face masks, ventilators, or toilet paper, or FREAKING PINE SOL.
But then, Kim Jong-Un died. And, uh oh, he came back to life.
Or did he? Who knows, because then the Pentagon released videos of UFOs and nobody cared, and we were like man, it’s only April….
In May, the biblical end times kicked off historical locust swarms and then we learned about murder hornets and realized that 2020 was the start of the Hunger Games but people forgot to let us know. Oh, then people for frigging real protested lockdown measures with AR-15s, and then sports events were cancelled everywhere.
But then people all over America finally reached a breaking point with race issues and violence. There were protests in every city, but then people forgot about the pandemic called COVID PLAGUE. Media struggled with how to focus on two important things at once.
Oh dammit. Just when we figured that out, a dead whale was found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest after monkeys stole COVID 1 Through 19 from a lab and ran off with them, and either in May or April (no one is keeping track of time now) that a giant asteroid narrowly missed Earth.
In June, science and common sense just got thrown straight out the window and somehow wearing masks became a political thing.
Yeah, something like that.
But, then a whole lot of people realized the South was actually the most unpatriotic thing ever and actually lost the freakin’ Civil War, and there are a large amount of people who feel that statues they don’t even know the name of are needed for . . . so they could all stay history-smart?
But, then everyone sort of remembered there was a pandemic, but then decided that not wearing a mask was somehow a God-given right (still haven’t found that part in the bible or even in the constitution).
But, then scientists announced they found a mysterious undiscovered mass at the center of the earth, and everyone was like:
DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT
But, then everyone took a pause to realize that people actually believed Gone With The Wind was like non-fiction.
ut then it was also announced that there is a strange radio signal coming from somewhere in the universe that repeats itself every so many days, and everyone was like:
DON’T YOU DARE TRY TALKING TO IT
But. then America reopened from the shutdown that actually wasn’t even a shutdown, and so far, things have gone SPECTACULARLY F#CKED. America has joined Russia and Brazil on the list of countries banned from entry into the EU. Hell, only 4 percent of Canadians want us allowed over their border.
So, everyone is on Facebook arguing that masks kill because no one knows how breathing works. But, then Florida was like hold my beer and let me show you how we’re number one in everything, including CORONA PLAGUE INFECTION AND DEATHS. Trump decides now is a perfect time to ask the Supreme Court to burn ObamaCare because what better time to do in the middle of a DEADLY PLAGUE, but then we find out that President Mayhem has known about Russia paying the Taliban $100,000 per head of every U.S. soldier they can murder in Afghanistan.
But, no worries, Trump isn’t doing anything to stop or punish them for it.
Then, we learned there is a massive dust cloud coming straight at us from the Sahara Desert, which is totally normal, but this is 2020, so the ghost mummy thing is most likely in that blowing over in it.
It all seems insane, so why not wrap it up with a happy midseason happy ending? It seems that the Congo’s worst ever Ebola outbreak is finally over, and we were all like, there was an Ebola outbreak that was the worst ever?
And, today is what? Day 184, exactly half way through this banner year?
Oy freakin’ vey.
Also, why didn’t I know about